I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Michael Bay diarrhea
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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