I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
