I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
