I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
