I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
