Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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