I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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