her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
