I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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