i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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