Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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