Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
