I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
