have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
