I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize