omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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