you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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