your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
