sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
