I'm pants shitting drunk right now
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
