No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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