My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
