We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
