1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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