when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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