I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
