i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
