My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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