I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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