If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
