I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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