So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
