My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
