WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize