Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
