Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
