have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
