May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
