i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
