Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize