I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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