I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
