and she was petting her beer can
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My vagina is officially offended.
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