yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
