We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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