Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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