i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
