my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
