I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
