God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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