And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
