bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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