the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
