he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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