Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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