you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
