I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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