Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
