you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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