i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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