when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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