My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
