I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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