I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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