Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
