Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize