you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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