Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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