can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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